With the right guy, dating is one of the most pleasurable activities you can take part in as a gay man. Unfortunately, there is a good chance you will meet one of those queer men that have turned dating into a nightmare. From cheaters, liars, thieves, homophobes, and body shamers to all manner of unpleasant humans, the gay dating pool is full of sharks.
While some gay men have red flags written all over their faces, others have perfected hiding their vices until you fall for them and it’s too late to get out. Whether looking for a casual relationship or something long-term, you can never underestimate the value of weeding out queer men with red flags. To filter out gay men with red flags, you can listen, observe, ask around, or do low-key detective work, ensuring you won’t get unwanted surprises after dating someone. In this article, we will give you valuable tips to help you notice red flags in gay guys within your dating pool.
Red flags to watch out for when dating: Tips for gay men
Have you ever been so enamored with a man that you were willing to overlook all his bad habits to keep him? Understandably, love and lust have a way of making men ignore their common sense. When you are looking for love, not every man that comes your way will have good intentions. Some gay men are sadistic assholes that want to take advantage of people looking for romantic attachments. What’s scarier is some of these assholes don’t know they are doing it, so it becomes virtually impossible for you as a victim to notice these red flags. Since giving up dating and joining a monastery is out of the question, you need an air-tight strategy to help you weed out red flags in your potential partners.
Here are tips to help you spot red flags in queer men:
· He is in love with himself
Self-love is important, but there is a certain type of self-love that goes beyond what’s reasonable. There is a category of queer men who believe they are a gift from the gods, and no mortal can match them in wit, looks, humor, or style. The self-lover has a superiority complex that makes him believe he is doing you a favor just by looking at you. If you ever become unfortunate to date this type of man, be ready to become a slave to his needs, desires, and whims.
This self-lover will want constant validation about how amazing and unique he is, making sure the world revolves around him. To please him and make him shine, you will deem your star. Make a mistake and outshine him, and he will throw a tantrum that will be heard from space. A queer man that loves himself too obsessively may not be physically abusive, but he can do a number on your mental health, leaving you a shadow of your former self.
· He wants a secret relationship
If he isn’t willing to put you on a pedestal, he is probably not the right one for you. I’m not saying he should take out a billboard and make a statement that you are dating, but at the very least, he shouldn’t act like you don’t exist. If a guy isn’t willing to introduce you to his friends and family, doesn’t take you out on dates, and rarely talks to you unless he wants sex, please run and don’t look back. No matter how much he tries to convince you he is a private person, doesn’t like PDA, or hates talking strolls during the day, don’t fall for it. There is a difference between keeping a relationship private and being someone’s dirty secret.
There is a very good chance a guy wants to keep you a secret because he has a lot to hide. What if he has a wife, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a picket fence? He may be the dirtbag, but you will be the poor sucker who will be left with a broken heart and trust issues. Even if he isn’t hiding a secret hetero family at home, being someone’s secret lover can lower your self-esteem. You will wake up every day knowing you love someone who is ashamed to hold your hand, take you out, or claim you, which is a miserable way of living.
· Not over his ex
No one likes being the second best. The last thing you need in a new relationship is a guy that is still pining after his ex. If he still talks about his ex like he walks on water, it might be because he is still in love with his ex. While there is nothing wrong with saying nice things about an ex, it can be a buzz kill when it’s too much. No matter how awesome his ex is, there is no reason his name should come up unless you are talking about former relationships.
Unfortunately, some guys in the gay dating scene jump from one relationship to the next without taking the time to heal. This means you might end up with a guy that keeps comparing your likes or looks to his former partner. When every topic with a potential date leads to a conversation about his ex, this might be a red flag. Even if he doesn’t talk about the ex, look out for other subtle signs that he might not be over his ex. For instance, if he obsessively checks his ex’s social media and gets mad when the ex has a new partner, run and don’t look back. The guy is probably bidding his time until he can reconnect with the ex, leaving you with a broken heart.
· Roaming eyes
A man that is constantly checking out other guys is a no-go zone. A guy cruising other guys while you are with him will not stop just because you ask him nicely. Think about it. If his eyes are roaming when you are with him, what will happen when you are out of the picture? If he can’t keep his attention on you for the time, it takes to have dinner or grab a drink, walk away to protect your sanity. The most common mistake gay guys make is thinking that if they work harder to spice up the relationship, their man will never stray. If a man is determined to cheat on you, he will do it no matter how great you are.
· He is a mean drunk
If you want to protect your peace, avoid messy drinkers. If a guy is super sweet, considerate, and hot but turns into a monster when drunk, crawl, speedwalk, run, or fly away from him as fast as you can. Don’t let the sweet moments you have when he is sober blind you to the nasty monster he becomes when drunk. You might try to rationalize it as a disease or become his hero to save him, but it won’t work. Eventually, you will start wearing makeup to hide bruises, staying indoors to heal the broken ribs, or making excuses to the police when he has turned your body black and blue.
If a guy can’t hold his liquor, dump him. Even if he is not a violent drunk, can you imagine receiving calls in the middle of the night to go to the pub to drag your drunk lover home? A relationship with a drunken man is a recipe for disaster because he will never be in control of his actions or inactions as long as he is drinking. If you decide to date him, you sign up for a life of anxiety, fear, and apprehension. Eventually, his good looks will disappear, his humor will no longer turn you on, and all you will be left with is a broken man thinking about his next drink.
· Controlling and manipulative behavior
What’s sexy about a man that dogs your every move? Or listens to your conversations and wants to know where you are at all times? You might lie to yourself that he is tapping your phone because he cares, but deep down, you know he is a controlling psycho. Controlling behavior can range depending on his level of lunacy, including deciding what you eat, where you shop, how you dress, and who you talk to.
Manipulation can involve making you feel guilty for normal stuff. For instance, a manipulative man can make you feel guilty for spending time with your loved ones, excelling at a job, or taking care of your body. A manipulative person wants to keep you on edge, constantly second-guessing yourself so that they can he can feel in control. If you are unfortunate to meet a controlling and manipulative guy in the gay dating pool, drop him and look for someone that suits you.
Dating in the gay dating scene can be unpleasant, depending on the type of men you come across. In your search for your forever after, you will undoubtedly come across all manner of characters in the gay dating pool. Learning to weed out men with red flags can save you a lot of heartache in the long run.