Have you experienced kink shaming? Do you have a hard time explaining your kink to others for fear they might stigmatize you or, worse, shame you? Having a kink is beautiful, and no one should make you feel insecure because of your sexual preferences. Unfortunately, because of ignorance, prejudice, or people just being assholes, kink-shaming is a real problem for kink enthusiasts. Since you can’t change your sexual preferences any more than you can change your height, age, or blood type, you have to find a healthy way of dealing with kink shame. In this article, we will discuss tips to help deal with kink shaming and false assumptions about kinks.
Kink Shaming: How to deal with false assumptions
Shaming someone, whether in jest or out of malice, can devastate a person’s well-being. Whether it’s slut shaming, fat shaming, or any other type of shaming that prevents people from living their authentic life, making someone second guess their worth as human beings are inhumane.
Some ways to help you deal with kink-shaming include the following:
· Understand it’s not your fault
Exploring your kinks and fetishes is one of the greatest ways to express your sexual freedom. You are being sex-positive if you can engage in whatever sexual activities you like without feeling ashamed or self-conscious. Unfortunately, if you have been kink-shamed, you know how hard it can be to overcome mental barriers resulting from these horrifying experiences.
Remember, sexual turn-ons are as natural as breathing or walking, and there is nothing wrong with exploring what you like. Whether you like role-playing, age play, or playing rape fantasies, you should be able to explore your sexual fantasies without shame. The best way to handle kink-shaming is to go on with life without letting other people’s prejudices affect your life. Don’t let society dictate your sexual desires to fit in. Living an authentic life means owning your sexuality, sexual preferences, and sexual desires without shame rather than conforming to make others happy.
· Recognize the signs
How can you tell if someone is kink-shaming you if you can’t recognize the signs? While some people openly judge you because of your kinks, others are pretty subtle about it, making it virtually impossible to tell if you are crazy or projecting your insecurities. Unfortunately, your close allies, sexual partners, friends, or community are more likely to kink shame you because of your sexual interests than strangers. An important step towards dealing with kink-shaming is recognizing when people are shaming you.
Look out for people that try to make you a bad person for having kinky sex. For instance, if someone says, ” I can believe you are into spanking or pain play,” their goal is to make you feel guilty for something that gives you pleasure, which is wrong. Another sign to look out for is someone that tries to embarrass you because of your sexual preferences. If someone brings up your kinks or fetishes in front of others to embarrass you, they are probably doing it out of malice, especially if you have told them not to do it.
Another sign of kink-shaming involves spreading misinformation about kinks and fetishes. Some people deliberately spread false information that creates a false narrative against the kink community. For instance, people can create the impression that kink is for sexual deviants that have unnatural sexual attractions toward kids or animals. Can you imagine how problematic and malicious a person has to be to create the narrative that kink enthusiasts have a sexual attraction to children? Once you can recognize when people are kink-shaming you, it’s easier to deal with it.
· Know your worth
Sometimes the only way someone can disturb your peace is by making you question your worth as a human being. Whether shaming you for your looks, social status, sexual orientation, or sexual interests, bullies thrive on making you feel small. A bully can’t make you feel inferior if you are aware of your shortcomings and love yourself just the way you are. Not that having a kink is a shortcoming, but the point is no one can make you insecure if you are comfortable under your skin. Knowing your worth is about acknowledging your value as a sexual being. It’s about recognizing that there is nothing unusual about your sexual interests, so you shouldn’t feel conscious just because you like to bark during sex.
· Speak up
People won’t stop shaming you until you speak up. While there are times silence is the best course of action, when someone is shaming you because of your sexual preferences isn’t one of them. People can be cruel and insecure, and more often than not, they tend to push their insecurity toward vulnerable groups such as gay or kink communities. Being gay in some communities is hard enough; add a kink, and you might become the perfect punching bag for the scoundrels in your society. So, how can you speak up when someone shames you because of your kinks and fetishes?
One way to speak up when someone tries to slut, kink, or fate shame you is to call them out on their prejudices. Whether it’s a lover, parent, or friend, call them out when they say you are weird for liking kinky sex and tell them it’s not okay. Try to be bold but not confrontational. The goal is to pass your point without bloodshed or to create enemies. If someone says something derogatory, counter the argument with the truth. For instance, if someone compares kinks with sexual assault, point out that kinks are between two consenting adults.
A problem shared is a problem solved might sound cliché, but the advice is sound. One healthiest ways to deal with kink-shaming is to share your concerns with people you trust. If you are not sure someone is shaming or gaslighting you about your kinks or fetishes, consider getting a second opinion from a friend or family member. You can share your experience about the actions or words that make you suspect you might be a kink-shaming victim. Keep in mind that a person can kink shame using words or non-verbal communication. A non-verbal way of kink-shaming can involve shutting someone down when they want to explore their sexual fantasies. Talking to someone can help you know whether your partner’s rejection stems from kink-shaming, being uncomfortable, or a communication breakdown.
Consider speaking to a therapist to help you muddle through your problem. A licensed therapist has the technical know-how to help you spot if you are a victim of kink-shaming behavior. You can get a licensed therapist online for a relatively small fee or book an appointment for an in-person consultation.
· Educate others
How can you educate people to stop kink shaming? Whether you are a victim of kink-shaming or not, you have a responsibility to help eradicate this vice from society. While some people kink shame kink enthusiasts because of hate and prejudice, others do it out of ignorance. As a kink community member, you can educate people about their misconceptions about kinks, making the world a better place for future kink stars. If a person says something misleading about the kink community, be the first to correct their misguided assumptions.
Keep in mind that educating people about kinks and fetishes doesn’t necessarily mean you should try to convert them become kinky. Educating people about kinks is about killing false stereotypes, not recruiting people to join the gay or kink communities. Education can involve having conversations about kinks where people can ask questions and seek clarification about kinks and fetishes. Education can also involve teaching people about what motivates kinky enthusiasts. Some of the most harmful stereotypes about the kinky community continue to spread because of misinformation and the fear of the unknown. Talking about what kinks are, what motivates people to explore kink, consent, safety protocols, and rules about the kinky community can educate the public, helping eradicate misconceptions surrounding kink.
· Join a kink community
Joining a kink community can help you meet like-minded people that share your sexual interests. The kink community is one of the most accepting and non-judgmental groups worldwide. While not every person in the kink community is gay, a significant number are in the queer spectrum, meaning you will feel right at home if you join. Becoming part of the kinky community can help you accept yourself and eliminate the guilt that comes from going against social norms.
Another benefit of joining the kink community has the freedom to explore your sexual fantasies in a safe environment safely. Being part of the queer kink community gives you a platform to ask questions, learn from those who came before you, and share ideas. A community allows you to share your frustrations about being shamed for your sexual interests and how to deal with them.
Kink shaming is dangerous because it makes it can affect a person’s sex drive and question their worth as a sexual being. No one deserves to feel bad or face prejudices because of their sexual interests or sexual orientation. As a gay person, you can never underestimate the value of learning how to deal with kink-shaming can have on your mental health. Learning how to deal with kink-shaming can help you live a more sexually satisfying life.